Some Great One Liners from Peter Kay

> 1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
>Thyroid problem?'
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> 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
>Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and
>asked him to forgive me.
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> 3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my
>wife to go swimming.
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> 4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I
>don't get on with my real ladder.
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> 5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
>So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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> 6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston
>Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened
>criminals.
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> 7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different
>names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones
>may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From
>there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
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> 8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is
>probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
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> 9) Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner,
>you better have a good hand.
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> 10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My
>neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be
>enough.'
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> 11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made
>out of meat?
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> 12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all
>nervous and give the wrong answers.
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> 13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me
>neither.
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> 14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away
>from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
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> 15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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> 16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I
>think I've forgotten this before
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> PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
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> 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
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> 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
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> 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is
>when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete
>stranger.
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> 4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
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> 5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not
>to have a fire in your back garden.
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> 6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl. .
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> 7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
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> 8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
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> 9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill
>you at the first given opportunity.
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> 10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed
>half way through and then raced against the flush.
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> 11) It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
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> 12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
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> 13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
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> 14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
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> 15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has
>had their arm broken by a swan.
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> 16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin
>piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
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> 17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not
>putting it in a fruit salad.
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> SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
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> 1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get
>undressed?
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> 2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way
>down to the core of the earth?
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> 3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
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> 4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your
>bottom?
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> 5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing
>you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am ...
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